Friday, December 29, 2006

2006 is over? what?

This was a very fast year.

PS: For those of you who haven't been caught up on the myspace and whatnot, I'm pregnant! I'm 8 weeks and 2 days right now.

Here's hoping and praying that things go well this time.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

looking but not really seeing

I am the queen of not being able to find things that are right in front of my face....my car keys, an important paper, my staple remover (oh the blessed staple remover! I would be lost without thee!), etc. I'm also notorious for (seemingly) looking right at someone I know and not saying hi...the reason being because I didn't actually SEE them. It's not that they've got uninteresting, unnoticeable qualities... it's just that I'm in my own realm of whatever else I've got on my mind and totally overlook them. (side note: this happens most frequently while I'm driving and while I'm in wal-mart. Please don't be offended if I don't wave in either place.)

I'm intrigued by this at this moment and even felt moved to type about it. Sometimes what you're looking for is right in front of your face...you've even looked at it several times, but you haven't taken the time to really SEE it. Whether it be a staple remover, a friend, a lover, or whatever you're seeking... have you really taken the time to see past the end of your nose?

As you have probably noticed, I'm a simple girl with simple thoughts. My "writing" isn't creative and usually doesn't have a point. But as my title points out... these are just ramblings of a girl who likes to ramble. Plain and simple.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

my hands are very cold

Okay, so, I've been semi-inspired to blog again. Don't get your hopes up that I'll keep it up, because..well... I forget.

I'm not what someone would call a "religious" person. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe that Jesus is the son of God and that he was born of a virgin to die for our sins so that we may enjoy eternal life. But religion sometimes boggles my mind. It startles me....no, it downright scares me how many "religions" promote being judgemental or derogatory to someone who doesn't believe exactly as they do. No wonder people have such a hard time believing the basic principles of Christianity... look at some of the nutballs that represent it! I'm, of course, not talking about all Christian religions, nor am I talking about all Christian people. But we all know about the few bad apples and what they make the rest of the bunch look like.

I have what I feel to be a very private relationship with God. I talk to Him, He works in my life in extremely mysterious ways, and I don't pretend to understand everything that happens. I hear so many people spouting off at the mouth, reciting scripture by heart, knowing all the stories in the bible and the characters in the stories by name..... but do they have a relationship with God? Have they made their faith a personal thing, or have they learned the bible because they felt obligated? Faith is not always the easiest thing to keep. When you grow up in the bible belt, and specifically a small town in the bible belt, you're just raised to believe a certain way. You don't question it, you just live it. Like a good little Christian, you are taught that God dispises sins and, I'm sorry to say it,you are taught intolerance for people who live their lives in sin.

But there's a point, just like any subject in the world, where you are book smart about the subject, and then you are actually passionate about the subject. You have to go beyond the Book, beyond all of your teachers, and fall in love with Him in your own way. You have to go beyond what you have heard is right and wrong, and find love and tolerance...yes, even for people who don't believe like you do. After all, Christian means "Christ-like", right? I doubt He hated anyone, much less shunned them or dispised them just for living their lives in a manner that other people don't find to be correct.

Nobody wants to be approached in a negative way and told that they're not living their lives right. That's what bugs me about ANY religion that goes door to door to tell you that you need to be saved. If it's not about YOU and GOD.... it doesn't matter if you've been dipped in God's personal bathwater. It means nothing until it is PERSONAL.

I guess there are several things that brought this thought process that is highly unorganized about in my head. One thing was watching the 700 club last night. I'm not a regular viewer of the show because shows like that do nothing but piss me off....which is exactly what it did last night. That one guy with the funny ears was spouting off about people who live together before marriage, and how the United States DISCOURAGES marriage by their tax laws. Is he ever happy? Is there ever a time when he's not pointing his elderly finger at someone doing something wrong? Yeah, I really see the Christ in that. Not.

Also, I'm basing this on two separate posts that two separate friends on Myspace made. One was completely trashing the Mormon religion, and the other was completely trashing homosexuality. In MY mind, I want to just say... If you're not Mormon or homosexual, don't worry about what they're doing or believing...just live your life the way Christ did..... DO NOT go preaching to people who don't want to hear it. That's the worst thing anybody could do. They turn more people off that way than the substance behind what they're preaching. Just make your life an example. People will follow a good example a lot faster than they'll follow someone screaming YOU'RE WRONG!! I'M RIGHT!!! Jesus didn't preach to people who didn't want to hear it...he preached to people who DID, and the people who DIDN'T want to hear it often started listening to Him when they noticed his peace and tranquility...his kindness and goodness.

And finally... as I said before, my relationship with God is a very personal relationship. And I have found in my faith-hunting that I have to do work for God to do work. If that weren't true, then my husband would have fallen in my lap one day, there would never be any struggle for anything that you need or want, and everybody would be content and happy. Anybody who says to be patient while waiting for something that God is sending you is probably not practicing what they preach. It reminds me of the old joke that I'm sure we've all heard....the one where there was a man caught in a flood, and another man in a boat comes by to save him, but the man says "no, I'm waiting for God to save me." So a helicopter comes to get him off of his roof, but he says again that he's waiting for God to save him. To make a long story short, several things came along to save him and he kept refusing them and saying that God was going to save him. So he drowns in the flood and gets to heaven, and asks God why He didn't save him... and God says "well, I sent you a boat, and a helicopter, etc..."

Have a good day.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

that's alright.

i'm going to stop using this blog. sssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooo bye.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

So? I don't care that I'm not getting any comments. Really!

I'm trying not to be bitter. :) lol

My classroom is FINALLY done, except the janitors have been kinda not doing their jobs, and they haven't emptied our trash cans in our classrooms or vaccuumed in there in like a week... but once those things are done, my classroom is done. Now if I could only get myself in gear to get the plans ready for the first day of school....

I'm mega tired. I need to go make myself sleep.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Okay, here's the situation..

...actually, Parents Just Don't Understand is stuck in my head now because of a smartiepants comment I left in another blog. But anyway.

I've had time to rebound from the last bout of depression, and I'm fine now. It's a roller coaster ride, that's for sure, but I've had other things to do to keep my mind off things. I'm moving into a new classroom. Said classroom used to be home to a woman who taught for 30plus years. Said teacher was the world's biggest pack rat. Said pack rat had papers, folders, a drum(?), books, etc stored for 30 friggin years on the shelves in her classroom. Said shelves weren't cleaned off when she retired because she just left them there. Said mess had to be cleaned up by me. Said me was not a happy camper. Said camper cleaned it anyway, though, because what choice did she have?

Anywho.... her stuff is no longer, and my stuff is almost in place. I have a lot of books to stick on shelves, a little more decorating, arranging my desks, and starting to plan for the teaching of not one grade in my classroom... oh no.... but 2 grades.

Do you know how horribly rotten, humbled, humiliated, etc I feel when I feel sorry for myself (see last post) when people in the world have it so much worse? I was just telling my husband today that we're all gonna be in big trouble when we get to heaven because we have allowed our brothers in 3rd world countries to be so impoverished while we whine about gas prices. When I was little, I wanted to win the lottery sooooo badly because I wanted to buy a whole bunch of food and clothes, and take it over to those poor countries. I wonder, now, if that's actually what I would do with the money.

Also, there's a family here in Lawton that has been struck with tragedy time and again. The dad was in Iraq where he was shot in the neck and left a "triplegic". The son has autism. Just recently, the family was in their specially made van that allowed the father to drive with his one functioning arm, when the van itself malfunctioned, sending them careening off the road and throwing the dad out the window. Miraculously, he lived through the crash, but he has lost feeling in his one good arm and his memory is messed up. The son, Gold bless him, broke his back and is now in a wheelchair. The youngest daughter had "bumps and bruises" and lost a kidney, but all in all is okay. The mom had bumps and bruises but also came out okay. The oldest daughter, who was in the car behind the van, got a flat tire and had stopped to change it when the accident happened, so she was neither involved, nor did she have to witness it. How can I complain when this family, so strong in faith, keeps getting hit so hard with tragedy? And not only that, they come out smiling, strong, and positive!! I aspire to be like them. Honestly.

I also have the pleasure of getting the little boy in my classroom this year. I look forward to working with him.

Sorry, I got on a roll... I don't expect all of this to get read. But it's my diary anyway so if you don't wanna read it, well... don't. :)

Thursday, August 03, 2006

please don't play the American Idol music just because I've had a bad day...

...because I'm sick of that song.

The day didn't necessarily start out bad.. boring, but not entirely bad. Watched my Golden Girls... yes, Kent, ..golden...girls...! drank some health crap... not literal crap but almost. The day got bad when the hubbster and I went out to eat, and the family in the table across the aisle from us had a brand new baby girl... she couldn't have been more than a couple days old. And I guess the mommy felt like showing her off, because she took her out of her carseat and held her while she ate...and my view was even better then. Tiny tiny little baby girl, dressed all in pink. I took a look at the baby and started to cry. My husband tried to divert my attention and talk about other things...and of course tried to make me laugh... but it really put a damper on my day.

The questions I keep asking that nobody can answer for me is WHY... why was I blessed for such a short time with a baby on the way...and WHY did it not work out? Was it punishment for something I've done? Was it something I drank, ate, took, did? Is there something wrong with me? When will I stop worrying about it all and when exactly does the grieving process actually end? Will I be blessed with such a precious gift again? And if so, how long will it take?

Will God ever answer my questions?

I've never been so ready to go back to school. I need some normalcy and something to do during the day. I think it'll help me out a lot.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

hmmm

So... I know I don't live in Ada, but I do like to keep up with the goings-on there... I'll never consider myself a Lawtonite or Lawtonian or Lawtonloser or whatever they call themselves because I really don't like this place. Ada will always be home. ANYWHO... I heard yesterday about some shenanigans that took place at Wintersmith park with some old foagies soliciting sex from an undercover officer. One of them happened to be a professor I had for 3 different classes in my college experience, and I admired him greatly. So after I heard about the news, naturally I went to adaeveningnews dot com to check out the story... It bothered me to see that the "public relations" person at ECU said that the matter was going to be dealt with appropriately because they expect their professors to act professionally at all times and in all settings. Okay, so if you become an ECU professor, ECU buys all rights to your soul. Nice.

I don't think what the old dudes did was right at all... but it's their personal lives that are being ruined here...their names were in the paper, I'm sure they were on the news, everything about their demons has been exposed for the world to see. But does it REALLY have anything to do with their careers? Just because someone commits a sin or makes a mistake, do you strip them of everything they have? What is this, The Scarlet Letter? We should just take them to where that Juliana Hotel thing used to be and tar and feather 'em in front of the entire town! That'll show 'em! Does Dr. so-and-so's ability to teach "Strategies for Effective Teaching" lessen because he made a bad choice? I think-eth not-eth. The world would be a much better place if people would examine themselves as closely as they examine the wrongdoings of others.

I'm on your side, dr. So-n-so. I'd still take classes from you.

Monday, July 24, 2006

life is a breeze, we live it for fun...

When I was 5 years old and about to start kindergarten, I worried because I thought maybe they'd want me to speak another language, and I didn't know any other languages. Seriously, I worried and worried. Then my mom reminded me that I had learned to count to ten in spanish on Sesame Street, and I was okay again. Life is supposed to be carefree for a child of 5, but I was busy worrying. My mom says I worried about everything. I worried about stray cats and dogs... I worried that flowers were sad when you picked one but not its neighbor... I worried that my stuffed animals were scared at night if they didn't get to sleep in the bed.... the list goes on and on.

No wonder I'm the way I am today. I still constantly worry about things over which I have no control. I worry when my husband is late coming home that something bad has happened to him... I worry about bills, not so much being able to pay them as much as how long it's going to take to pay them off.... I worry about my dogs being home alone when the husband and I are at work... I worry every night that there's going to be someone who tries to break into our house. I worry that if I don't remember to pray every single day for every single person I know, and something bad happens to them, that it's somehow my fault. These are weird things to worry about, I know that. I try so hard to let go of my worries, and sometimes it works....

I kinda wish my biggest worry was about stuffed animals again.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

conviction

When I took the Great Expectations workshop at the beginning of June, I felt like I was in church, listening to the preaching of the Holy Word... and that I was being convicted of things I wasn't doing right as a teacher.. or things I could do better, etc. It didn't mean that I couldn't fix the mistakes I had made in the past... I am only human, after all, and we do make mistakes...but at least I could recognize in myself what I had done wrong. I could have felt mad that they pointed out my wrongdoings... pouted, yelled, screamed about it. But I chose to feel the conviction and change my ways.
It's the same thing with how you treat people. Sometimes it gets pointed out that you're not being the very best friend/coworker/boss/spouse/daughter/son/mom/dad/grandparent/sibling/family member you can be. It hits you where you live... it convicts you of your wrongdoing. And it's not that it isn't true, but sometimes the truth hurts. But it's your turn to decide...what are you going to do now that the truth is in the light? Are you going to be mad that it was pointed out.... or are you going to change it?

Saturday, July 22, 2006

make them stick with stupid....

I erased all of my old posts on this blog.... I dunno, I just felt it necessary. I know nobody reads this anyway, and in a way I prefer that. I like the idea of a real diary without the getting-a-hand-cramp-from-writing thing. People aren't supposed to read your diary, and people don't read this blog. So there.

I have been through an awful lot in the past two weeks. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of last week. I miscarried last weekend. It's amazing how you can fall in love with someone you only knew existed for a few days.... and it's a horrible feeling to lose that someone as quickly as they came. Life begins at conception. I'm not going to say "I believe" or "I think"... it does. I know it now. I had a little life inside of me, and it was taken away. How some people can choose to rid themselves of the little life inside of them when it is so obviously there.... I don't get it.

Not everybody shared in our joy when I found out I was pregnant, and those same people chose to show no sympathy when I lost it. I have never really been the type to have enemies. I'm not big on fighting or "pissing contests" so to speak, and nobody's really had a reason to hate me before. So when 2 people hate you and they don't have a reason...and their hatred runs so deep that they are able to hurt you with mere words that they say.... anyway, just pray for them.

I wrote a blog on myspace about conviction. I'd like to post it on here but myspace is broken more than it's working, so I can't get to it.

It feels good to vent, you know it? Every once in a while..venting should occur.