Saturday, July 29, 2006

hmmm

So... I know I don't live in Ada, but I do like to keep up with the goings-on there... I'll never consider myself a Lawtonite or Lawtonian or Lawtonloser or whatever they call themselves because I really don't like this place. Ada will always be home. ANYWHO... I heard yesterday about some shenanigans that took place at Wintersmith park with some old foagies soliciting sex from an undercover officer. One of them happened to be a professor I had for 3 different classes in my college experience, and I admired him greatly. So after I heard about the news, naturally I went to adaeveningnews dot com to check out the story... It bothered me to see that the "public relations" person at ECU said that the matter was going to be dealt with appropriately because they expect their professors to act professionally at all times and in all settings. Okay, so if you become an ECU professor, ECU buys all rights to your soul. Nice.

I don't think what the old dudes did was right at all... but it's their personal lives that are being ruined here...their names were in the paper, I'm sure they were on the news, everything about their demons has been exposed for the world to see. But does it REALLY have anything to do with their careers? Just because someone commits a sin or makes a mistake, do you strip them of everything they have? What is this, The Scarlet Letter? We should just take them to where that Juliana Hotel thing used to be and tar and feather 'em in front of the entire town! That'll show 'em! Does Dr. so-and-so's ability to teach "Strategies for Effective Teaching" lessen because he made a bad choice? I think-eth not-eth. The world would be a much better place if people would examine themselves as closely as they examine the wrongdoings of others.

I'm on your side, dr. So-n-so. I'd still take classes from you.

Monday, July 24, 2006

life is a breeze, we live it for fun...

When I was 5 years old and about to start kindergarten, I worried because I thought maybe they'd want me to speak another language, and I didn't know any other languages. Seriously, I worried and worried. Then my mom reminded me that I had learned to count to ten in spanish on Sesame Street, and I was okay again. Life is supposed to be carefree for a child of 5, but I was busy worrying. My mom says I worried about everything. I worried about stray cats and dogs... I worried that flowers were sad when you picked one but not its neighbor... I worried that my stuffed animals were scared at night if they didn't get to sleep in the bed.... the list goes on and on.

No wonder I'm the way I am today. I still constantly worry about things over which I have no control. I worry when my husband is late coming home that something bad has happened to him... I worry about bills, not so much being able to pay them as much as how long it's going to take to pay them off.... I worry about my dogs being home alone when the husband and I are at work... I worry every night that there's going to be someone who tries to break into our house. I worry that if I don't remember to pray every single day for every single person I know, and something bad happens to them, that it's somehow my fault. These are weird things to worry about, I know that. I try so hard to let go of my worries, and sometimes it works....

I kinda wish my biggest worry was about stuffed animals again.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

conviction

When I took the Great Expectations workshop at the beginning of June, I felt like I was in church, listening to the preaching of the Holy Word... and that I was being convicted of things I wasn't doing right as a teacher.. or things I could do better, etc. It didn't mean that I couldn't fix the mistakes I had made in the past... I am only human, after all, and we do make mistakes...but at least I could recognize in myself what I had done wrong. I could have felt mad that they pointed out my wrongdoings... pouted, yelled, screamed about it. But I chose to feel the conviction and change my ways.
It's the same thing with how you treat people. Sometimes it gets pointed out that you're not being the very best friend/coworker/boss/spouse/daughter/son/mom/dad/grandparent/sibling/family member you can be. It hits you where you live... it convicts you of your wrongdoing. And it's not that it isn't true, but sometimes the truth hurts. But it's your turn to decide...what are you going to do now that the truth is in the light? Are you going to be mad that it was pointed out.... or are you going to change it?

Saturday, July 22, 2006

make them stick with stupid....

I erased all of my old posts on this blog.... I dunno, I just felt it necessary. I know nobody reads this anyway, and in a way I prefer that. I like the idea of a real diary without the getting-a-hand-cramp-from-writing thing. People aren't supposed to read your diary, and people don't read this blog. So there.

I have been through an awful lot in the past two weeks. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of last week. I miscarried last weekend. It's amazing how you can fall in love with someone you only knew existed for a few days.... and it's a horrible feeling to lose that someone as quickly as they came. Life begins at conception. I'm not going to say "I believe" or "I think"... it does. I know it now. I had a little life inside of me, and it was taken away. How some people can choose to rid themselves of the little life inside of them when it is so obviously there.... I don't get it.

Not everybody shared in our joy when I found out I was pregnant, and those same people chose to show no sympathy when I lost it. I have never really been the type to have enemies. I'm not big on fighting or "pissing contests" so to speak, and nobody's really had a reason to hate me before. So when 2 people hate you and they don't have a reason...and their hatred runs so deep that they are able to hurt you with mere words that they say.... anyway, just pray for them.

I wrote a blog on myspace about conviction. I'd like to post it on here but myspace is broken more than it's working, so I can't get to it.

It feels good to vent, you know it? Every once in a while..venting should occur.