Sunday, November 23, 2008

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

I was just thinking of that song.... the song in my title....partly because my principal plays the bells at her church and that's one of the songs they were playing this week (you'd have to meet her to know why this is a little bit sweet and a lot funny... she's not a terribly musical person... or a terribly coordinated person... or a terribly organized the fact that she's playing the bells [yes, plural] makes me giggle a bit). I was also partly thinking of it because that's what I feel like doing right now. Praising God from whom all blessings flow. I'm so happy and so proud to be the mother of my son. I'm so proud and awe-struck that I was chosen to hold him, carry him, teach him, lead him with discipline and love... I love him so much that sometimes it's hard to breathe. I cannot and will not and refuse to picture my life without him. Just having a proud mommy moment. :)

I was having a discussion with my child's babysitter.... I believe this was on Friday.... and she said something that stuck with me: (hold tight for the background otherwise it won't make sense.) She keeps a foster baby.. baby Jessi... with whom we have ALL fallen in love. Jessi's biological mother is, I suppose, trying to fight to get her back; however, they had court a few days ago, and the judge said that he didn't see the case going anywhere but termination of parental rights, but he would leave it up to the state. Jessi's bio-mom got all bent out of shape, so she didn't show up to the next visitation, and then she came to the next visitation with a ginormous chip on her shoulder, took Jessi to the other end of the playground, and just held her and pouted the whole time.... not interacting... nothing. Finally, my sweet, wonderful babysitter came up to her (if you ever get a chance to meet her... do... she's amazing.) and asked her if she was okay. The lady cried and said she was mad about what the judge had said and that she's trying to do the right things but this, this, and this has happened to her in her life, and so on. My babysitter said to her... you know, I'm sure you've been through a lot in your life, but now that you have a child... you're no longer get to be the victim. You're now victimizing your child. She also went on to tell her that she's worth more than what she's given herself and Jessi's worth more than what she has given her so far, but in her nurturing, sweet, awesome way, of course.

This spoke to me. A lot. I was raised pretty much just by my mother (who is wonderful and amazing and did a great job raising 5 kids alone, I might add). My dad made some very bad choices, for most of which he has apologized. That didn't change the fact that when my mom worked nights (7pm to 7am) I was the one that babysat my little brother and sister... all by myself... when I was 13 years old...with no dad around to protect us (good thing we lived in sleepy little Ada town). It didn't change the fact that my dad wasn't there when I went to the prom. He didn't walk me down the aisle when I got married. He didn't scare boyfriends (not that I had many, but that's not really the point), and he didn't do those daddy things with me that other girls got to experience. But now that I am a mother to my own child (who has a FANTASTIC daddy, I might add)... I am no longer the victim. To act as such would be victimizing my own child. I can only make things better for him, and that's ALL I can do. I can only show him more love than I was shown by my dad, and that's ALL I can do. I'm not saying I constantly play a victim card as it is, because that's FAR from the truth. I'm just saying that I can't feel guilty for what I didn't have growing up; I can only give my little man more.

Anyhow, sometimes the best lessons in life don't come from school or even church. Sometimes they just come as paradigm shifts found in daily conversations.

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